Make Me Feel Proud: Day 30 - Staying Fueled

A restful weekend with lots of sleep and few obligations has given me enough of a perspective to finish off this challenge. This was more difficult for me than I thought it would be. I had this Pollyanna view that I'd just skip along, thinking of things I was proud of, and grow as a person, et cetera and so forth. 

It turns out that being proud of yourself really takes a lot of work when the chips are down and things are looking dire. It takes some deep digging and a willingness to look on the bright side, both of which make me feel like I've been told to go hold hands with Big Bird from Sesame Street. Do I have to? Really? Seriously?

I think it was important for me to explore this, because it has, in general, changed my perception of myself for the better. I can't say that I'm totally finished with the self-deprecating comments to myself, but I do pause after I utter them. Do I really mean that? Do I really need to say that? No, I don't... because I'm actually a lot better than I say I am.

In terms of my struggles with emotional eating during stressful times, I decided I'd do this when I got to work today:

It's a Post-It stuck to my computer to remind myself that, no matter what happens, if I decide I need to eat, I may as well choose fuel instead of treats. It might be more calories that I need, but at least they'll provide me with some kind of useful energy for the long run, instead of the sugar rush and subsequent crash.

And, after I thought about it, learning to feel proud of yourself regularly provides you with a bit of fuel to feed on during the hard days: the days when people drag you down, or when you do things that you're not so proud of. It's a bucket of "good stuff" to dip into to remind yourself that you should keep moving forward, because you're kind of awesome, really.

Today, I'm proud of myself for recognizing opportunities when, in the past, I would have seen them as obstacles or setbacks. Sometimes, the scary stuff is there to make you realize you can handle things outside of your comfort zone.

Stay awesome, people.

Make Me Feel Proud: Days 26 to 30

I sort of regret my earlier post about not feeling tired because it's been a tiring week full of highs and lows. I feel like I'm re-emerging into some kind of semblance of real life again today. I don't think I handled the week as well as I could have. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about it.

I'm generally a pretty disciplined person: sleep well, eat well, exercise regularly. I know this routine works, and I've been doing it for a couple of years now. For some reason, when things go off-kilter lately, I throw it all out the window. Weeks like this are usually followed by a few days of self-loathing, even if it is accompanied by a determination not to do it again.

If there's one thing I've learned: I know I will do it again. And I have to be ok with that... somehow.

I suppose one way I could learn to accept that I am going to fall off the wagon is to remember what I DID do:

• I kept up some of my exercise routine
• I took a rest day when I needed to
• I ate most of my daily vegetable snacks later in the week

Also, upon reflection, I realized the other day that I'd had way too many treats and not enough fuel, which is why I was burning out later in the week. I suppose that's a realization to be proud of as well.

As for why I've been throwing my routine out the window, well, that's a different discussion. It's really a lack of planning on my part: I haven't thought of things I could do instead when life gets stressful. I'm going to spend some time writing privately about it. I need a better game plan.

One day to go. I'm not sure how proud I feel right now, but I'll have to keep digging. I mean, what else am I going to do? Give up?  I think not.

Make Me Feel Proud: Days 22, 23, 24 and 25 - Faster, Stronger

I would have added the word "higher" to this blogpost, but it turns out the Olympic Committee gets really upset when you use their stuff. Whatever.

I've been very proud over the last week at how well my fitness level is progressing. It's not easy to come back after giving away a kidney, but it is entirely possible. I've been finding that, after weeks of work, running is becoming easier, cycling is not so hard, and my muscles (the ones I'm allowed to use) are getting stronger.

I think it's helped that I haven't really given myself any kind of time limit to get back to where I was before the surgery. I've had good days and not-so-good days. On days when I struggled to stay moving on the road or on the treadmill, I reminded myself of what I learned a couple of years ago when I was first learning how to run: just because it's hard today doesn't mean it will always be hard. It will be easier next time.

Ironically, even though I am taking it slow and steady, it feels like this patience has rewarded me with a quicker return to fitness than I expected. My 6km run this morning all of a sudden felt like a breeze... no, who am I kidding... it's never easy to run... maybe it felt just a tad easier than it has been since I started up again. It feels like it's time to try a little bit more. And it feels like I'm ready for it. And I feel proud to prove to people that donating a kidney doesn't mean that you will be bed-ridden and struggling for the rest of your life.

So, here's a picture of me after my run this morning. Isn't it weird how photo taken in your bathroom mirror are always so foggy? Maybe it's the sweat, I dunno. But maybe you can see how energized I feel.

Faster and stronger and proud.

Make Me Feel Proud: Days 18, 19, 20 and 21 - Work, Energy, Legs

I'm starting to flag. Blogging daily becomes quite tiring after a while. This blog reminds me of how much of a challenge blogging is in and of itself, and I admire writers who are able to write something every single day.

This is not to say that I haven't been doing this challenge. Even when I haven't been writing, I've been compensating by thinking of a couple of things a day that I'm proud of. Most of the time, it has to do with my job: I've been really proud of the things I've been able to accomplish each day. I keep thinking that I wasn't doing anything like this kind of work this time last year, and I'm proud of how much I've learned and what I am able to do now.

I'm also proud to say that I haven't uttered the words, "I'm tired" for about a week now. It's strange to say, but those words come out of my mouth so often that sometimes they just come out without me thinking of it. I said it a couple of times today to myself as I went for a short walk during my lunch break. "I'm tired," I said to myself. But then, I stopped and realized that I wasn't actually tired. I was just speaking words that were part of my regular routine: regular proclamations of weariness.

But I'm not actually tired. I've been sleeping well, going to bed early, keeping up with my early rising throughout the weekends, and therefore not playing catch up. I feel good, and I'm proud of it.

Also: I'm proud of my legs. They're good, strong legs. I was admiring them in the mirror in my leggings today.

So: work, energy and legs. Proud of them all.

Make Me Feel Proud: Days 15, 16 and 17 - Explanations

I usually explain how I arrive at these challenges at the beginning of each one, but I was so anxious to get started on this one that I didn't bother to do it at the time. I've been thinking about what happened to make me want to start this challenge, and I think it's worth sharing:

A few weeks ago, I was on a work trip. On my way home, I strolled through one of the airports I had to stop at, looking for my gate. I was feeling tired, and I just wanted to get home. As I walked, I caught the eye of one of those salespeople who have samples on a tray. The next thing I knew, I had a free sample of soap, and I was being lead over to his booth. He was selling beauty products. "Well, what the heck, why not?" I said to myself.

He did his sales pitch, and I bought myself a nail cuticle kit and a skin scrub. But then he started on the face creams, and I was starting to get tired of spending money. "On a scale of one to ten, how much would you say you care about your appearance?" he asked me.

I thought about it and replied, "About an eight." I care about what I look like, but it doesn't consume my every waking moment.

"Ok, I want to show you something here. Have you heard of collagen?"

Of course I'd heard of collagen. I'm a biology major, after all. But then he was applying a cream to half my face, and it did a pretty good exfoliation job. And then he was applying a moisturizer, and it felt pretty good. But it was pricey, and as I said: I was getting tired of spending money.

"I don't think I'll bother," I said.

"You say you are an eight out of ten on how you care about your appearance, and you don't want to buy this?" Then he told me to compare the one side of my face to the other, and to note what it was doing with the fine lines around my mouth, and the redness... and suddenly, I felt like I SHOULD buy it, like I SHOULD do something about those lines... and the redness... my skin hadn't been looking so good over the winter... maybe other people were noticing my acne and the scars...

And then, I was buying both the exfoliator and the moisturizer. And then he let me go. And I felt... numb.

Later on, I felt stupid.

Then, I felt angry.

Why did I do that? Why should I be so sensitive about my appearance that it should make me want to buy products that will promise to make me look better? Why was I so vulnerable?

Because he found a way to make me feel ashamed. And it worked.

I read a quote somewhere recently. It went something like:

Imagine how many industries would go out of business if all of the women in the world stopped feeling ashamed of their appearances?

I made up my mind that day that I would never, ever let anyone use my insecurities against me like that. And the only way to safeguard against that was to feel proud of myself every day, in every way I could think of. And the only way to do that was to practice feeling proud of myself.

In reality, that face cream is pretty darn good. My skin does look and feel better for it. I just wish I'd made the decision to buy it out of a real desire to have it, rather than out of shame. I won't let that happen again.

So anyway, over the last three days, these are the things I've been feeling proud of:

• My ability to feel comfortable cold calling suppliers and asking for quotes and information.
• My ability to strike up easy conversation with people.
• My legs. They're good, strong legs that let me run and cycle and walk as much as I want.

Take that, beauty product salesman. That's the last time you shame me into buying anything.

Make Me Feel Proud: Days 13 and 14 - A Bunch a Day

I've been working a lot of hours the past few days. I don't mind it. I far prefer to work a bit later than get slammed by a big deadline later on. I also don't mind banking a few extra hours to take another day. You can't tax a day off, I always say.

When I'm working long hours, it's really important for me to keep some good food nearby. I've learned to divide up food into three types: food for fuel, food for maintenance, and food for treats. Often, these groups overlap each other, but for my purposes, it's a good way to make sure I get everything I need.

And yes, I need treats.

Food for fuel is mostly high-protein and complex carbohydrates: meat and whole grains. That kind of stuff. It's the stuff that builds muscle and/or gives me energy to keep moving.

Food for maintenance is stuff like fruits, vegetables and "good fats" that you find in nuts and olive oil. It's the stuff that keeps my digestion running smoothly, keeps my blood vessels clear, and keeps my hair and skin and nails healthy.

Food for treats is stuff like cookies and ice cream and fries and all the stuff you find at a carnival. It's the stuff that makes me sit back and smile when I eat it, but usually makes me feel a bit sick if I have too much of it.

I used to really struggle to get enough maintenance food, especially vegetables. Today, I'm proud that I've taught myself to eat at least five servings of vegetables and two servings of fruit a day. It wasn't easy, and I didn't set out to get that number. The vegetable consumption increased when I started working at my current job. I needed something to do with all of my nervous energy while I'm concentrating hard at my desk. I figured that, if I was going to chew on something, far better for it to be something like vegetables than cookies and candy (though the candy bowl at work gets frequent visits from me as well... ahem...).

So here's a shot of the two large yogurt containers of vegetables I prepared for the next two days of work. This, along with the other fuel-type food I take with me, will keep me going during the long days at work. No matter what else I eat each day, I can at least feel proud that I gave my body something to keep it running smoothly.

Make Me Feel Proud: Day 12 - Leaping

A year ago, we were in the midst of making a big move to a new home. It was not the first move I'd ever made: in fact, come to think of it, it was May of 1999 when I left home to my first big job in the UK. That was a big move, too.

But this move was different.

Moving to Vancouver Island was the most daring move I'd ever made. Each move before that was preceded by a calculated strategy: a job hunt, a careful exploration of the new town, hours of research of amenities, local organizations, leisure centres, grocery stores... When we landed in a new place, I knew it well, and I knew what I'd be doing there.

This time, I didn't.

I made this move out of a need for a change so large that I dare to call it a rebirth: I needed to find me again. I had no plans. We just looked at our finances and knew we'd be ok, then we secured a place to live, packed up our things, and we went.

People found it hard to understand. Did I not have a job lined up? Did I not want to be closer to my family? Did I know anyone there.

No, no, and no.

Oddly, since I have been here, I do feel closer to my family, because I'm happier. And when I'm happier, I want to talk and share what is happening with me with them. Being further away seems to have made me closer to them.

I've been incredibly lucky. I found a job with people I like and with work that I enjoy. I've also realized that part of this move was for me to understand that the harder you work, the luckier you get. I worked hard to get here: was frugal with my money so that I could afford to take this chance. And it paid off.

Today, I'm proud that I had the courage to take a leap of faith. I'm very happy: happy enough for it to scare me, really. How much good stuff could someone have?

I won't dwell on it. I'm just grateful. And proud.

Make Me Feel Proud: Days 10 and 11 - Yes, Fit

Yesterday flashed past in an instant. I was in work in the morning, helping to get something finished up and sent off, then I went out for lunch with the hubby and the pup. On the way back, I remarked how I tend not to sleep so well when the weather gets warmer, as it was this past week. Apparently, that was true because I slept the afternoon away on the couch. Dinner and a blink later, it was time for bed, where I slept the entire night.

I guess I was tired.

This morning, I woke up, pulled on some running gear and went for a nice run. I'm still building back up to where I was before I had surgery a couple of months ago, but it's going well. Even when I'm struggling uphill, I am fascinated by the sound of the blood pumping through my ears. It reminds me that I am alive and strong.

Today, I am proud of my fitness level. I believe that it is because I dedicate so much of my energy to staying fit and healthy and to eating clean foods that I rarely get the debilitating headaches I used to get on Sunday afternoons anymore. I also firmly believe that it is also the reason that  I was able to recover from my surgery so quickly. I actually hid the fact that I was back running on the road four weeks afterwards, because I didn't want people to worry that I was overdoing it. I wasn't. I was just ready.

I'm not going to hide it anymore. I'm fit, and I'm proud of it.

Make Me Feel Proud: Days 8 and 9 - The Art of Knowing Yourself

So, it turns out that flouride makes me nauseous. At least, I think it does. It's the only thing I can think of that might have caused me to feel so ill after having my teeth cleaned yesterday afternoon. I felt slightly sick as I walked out of the dentist's office, but by the end of the evening, I was barely able to move without wanting to vomit. That's why I didn't check in yesterday.

Today, I'm feeling better. I was able to get up and go to the gym and do a good tempo run on the treadmill, but I ran out of fuel to do any strength training afterward. I decided to pack up and hit the showers early instead of pushing myself into injury later on. It wasn't the best work out, but at least I did some of it.

That's the way it is: sometimes it's easy, and sometimes it's not.

Today, I'm proud that I know my limits. It's tough to balance knowing when to push yourself and knowing when to back off. Those two states can be hard to recognize when you're sweating away on a treadmill. I'm much better at recognizing which one to choose while I'm in the thick of it, and I think it's because I have much more faith in my body. I now have enough experience with testing the limits of my endurance that I no longer fear the fatigue, but I also recognize when I'm hitting the breaking point. That knowledge makes me feel unstoppable, even when I do have to stop. Knowing when to stop means that I can be ready for the next attempt sooner.

Here's to making a few more steps towards being kinder to myself.

Make Me Feel Proud: Day 7 - First Week Reflections

Sometimes, I feel a little bit pompous talking about all the good things I'm proud of about myself. We're not supposed to talk ourselves up all the time... but maybe that's part of the problem. Since I started this challenge, here's what I'm noticing:

• I feel a lot more calm and relaxed, especially during times of stress.
• Since I feel more calm and relaxed, I don't feel the need to binge eat during times of stress

Those are two very significant things for me, because emotional eating is something I have to deal with every single day. It happens when I am upset or stressed out, or tired and depressed. I was hoping that, with this challenge, I might be able to circumvent the depression that comes with being really tired in the evenings. The relaxation part comes as a bit more of a surprise for me.

One of the reasons I blog is because I'm a strong believer that, if you publicly declare a goal, it means you are much more likely to attain it. It's not really about being accountable to people (although, that is part of it). When I say that I'm going to work on something, that something becomes a project. If you follow my other blog, you'll know that I'm really good at working on a project. And when I'm working on a project, it remains on my mind steadily throughout the day.

Since my project is to think of things I'm proud of about myself, I've been steadily thinking about it each day... that means that I've been spending a lot more time thinking about things I like about myself, rather than looking for my faults. That is quite a change for me. And it's a good one.

Anyway, today I'm proud of the work I did today at my job, and my ability to learn new things relatively quickly. I'm glad for every opportunity to learn new things, even though it's hard going at first. The rewards are always much sweeter with the amount of effort it takes to get there.

Make Me Feel Proud: Day 6 - In the Mornings

I'm proud to be a morning person. I used to keep quiet about being a morning person: I've seen a lot of posts out there where people share their utter wrath of people who are able to get up and be productive and friendly in the mornings. I've decided I won't feel persecuted anymore over it. I prefer to get up early, either to go workout before work or just to enjoy a couple of hours on my own. I am glad to have seen many, many sunrises and to have enjoyed many cups of tea or coffee during those quiet hours.

I attach no emotion to the notion of getting up early: I don't mind if I sleep later, and I don't grumble the night before nor at the time when my alarm goes off. The time comes, and I get up, no arguments, no sighing, no nothing. Maybe that's why I find it less bothersome than others: it is what it is.

Today, I'm proud to be a morning person.

Make Me Feel Proud: Day 5 - Being Useful

It's late, so to be short and sweet:

Today, I'm proud that I am starting to get the hang of some of the more difficult tasks I've been given at work. I'm way behind the eight ball when it comes to some of the things I am asked to do, but I'm feeling good that I'm getting better at them every day. I'm grateful that the people I work for are so patient. I feel sure that their understanding has encouraged me to keep going with it to get better each day. I'm also glad that I have swallowed my ego enough to be alright with not knowing how to do something, and to understand that I can't learn everything in one day.

Make Me Feel Proud: Day 4 - No Panic

I 'm feeling under the weather today. I woke up feeling ok, went out for a run, came back and ate breakfast and showered... then I started to feel a bit crappy. We went out for a walk in the sunshine and had some lunch, but I was not the best of company today. Certainly not proud of that.

This evening, I think I'll do my usual treatment for when I feel like this: hot bath, foot scrub, lots of herbal tea, lots of stretching, then early night. I've knocked out many a bug with this. Let's hope it helps with this one. I'm thinking my early morning workout tomorrow is out as well.

Normally, I'd go into full-scale panic over not getting my morning workout in. I'm trying to lose a bit of the fat I've gained since I underwent surgery a couple of months ago, and I usually feel really worried when I can't get out and burn some calories. I've decided, though, that I'm not going to panic. The weight will come off in due course. I know how to do this now, and I'm not going to put on a ton of weight just because I miss a few days at the gym. The world keeps on turning, whether it takes me a few more weeks to get to my goals or not.

Feeling pretty proud of the kindness I am showing to myself... and also feeling pretty good after one of these:

Make Me Feel Proud: Day 3 - On Wheels

Cycling is hard for me. It wasn't always hard. I remember plenty of summers as a kid wheeling around the neighbourhood on my bike, easy, effortlessly, nothing of note to ever make me feel like it could ever be hard. I never loved it, but I didn't dislike it...

Until I grew longer arms and legs and got heavier and slower... and then, that's when it got difficult.

I don't know exactly when I decided I wasn't built for biking. I've tried different bikes, had people stand there with me raising and lowering seats and handles, suggesting different styles, different shoes... but there's no denying it. I feel awkward and slow on a bike.

So, it's a really big deal for me to sign up for a fundraising event that entails me riding on a bike the whole day. That is super intimidating for me. I have a real fear that I'm going to hold everybody back.
The event is a tour around local vineyards, which might seem like a pleasant day with your friends, but it is a really, really big deal to me. It will be a lot of work for me to get ready for this event.

I've been working on getting more comfortable on a bike. Twice a week, at the gym, I get on the spinning bikes and do intervals of high resistance, spaced with short periods of low resistance. I'm slowly increasing the length of the high resistance intervals to get used to pushing those muscles. I've found that those muscles are very different than those I use for running.

I've also been trying to get out on my bike on the road during the weekends. That's a bit difficult in my town because it's really hilly around here, but today, I decided to venture out onto the open road. I donned some hi-visibility clothing (I'm sure they could see me from space), strapped on my bike helmet, put my phone in my running belt and a watch on my wrist, and just went for it.

Today, I am proud that I stuck with my plan and cycled nearly 26 kilometres. That's a big deal for Ms. Clumsy-On-a-Bike. I rather enjoyed it, even if my buttocks didn't. I think I'll try that one again...

Make Me Feel Proud: Day 2

I have a very bad habit of putting off my stretching routine until very late of the day. This means that the next day I will struggle with the effects of tight muscles, including tight iliotibial bands, which lead to sore knees, which lead to tight feet (plantar faciits) which lead to... well, disaster. I know that stretching allows me to do all the other things I want to do to keep myself fit. It is essential to my day.

Today, I am proud that I did the twenty minutes of stretching I planned to do today, even though I was tired and I wanted to just forget about it. It's not the forty minutes I used to do, but that's beside the point. This is about me doing what I said I would do and reaping the benefits of it.

If you're curious, my routine is based off the evening yoga routine from Yoga Morning, Noon and Night from Jason Crandell. It's a DVD that's been around for a few years now, and it seems to still be going strong. This DVD showed me that you can get a lot of good from taking twenty minutes for yourself.

Make Me Feel Proud: Day 1

It's tough being a girl. I think that we are the more judgemental of the sexes. I am guilty of making instant judgements of other women in a single glance, usually based on appearance. I don't like that about myself. And the person I judge most harshly is myself.

I've been struggling with my body image for a long time now. It's starting to affect my ability to maintain a healthy body weight, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of sabotaging myself with self-deprecating comments every single day. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and zeroing in on the flaws, and I'm tired of looking outside of myself for acceptance and reassurance. It's exhausting, not just for me, but for the people around me.

For the next thirty days, I'm going to think about one thing about me that I'm proud of. I'm going to try to stop defining myself by my appearance and start reminding myself that, no matter what I ate that day or what I didn't do, I'm still worthy of some compassion and understanding. Instead of thinking about what I'm NOT, I'm going to train myself to remember each day what I AM.

Today, I feel proud that I got through a difficult morning of sorting out some dubious credit card charges without having to turn to food for comfort. I think I handled myself with integrity and I treated the people I was talking to with dignity, despite my unhappiness with the way they handled my transactions. I am glad that I was able to handle the adrenaline without the need to stuff my face.

Day one. Feeling pretty good.